If you were raised in a family that delivered less than ideal caregiving/support or if you had life experiences that have forced you to hide parts of yourself then it is likely that you struggle with attachment in relationships. Attachment is focused on the ways in which we bond with others in an effort to get our social, emotional, and relational needs met.
The goal would be to have a secure attachment in which we feel safe, secure, whole, and are able to express our needs. Unfortunately, many of us struggle with anxious or avoidant attachment. There is a phenomenon in which the current dating pool is saturated with individuals struggling with attachment disorders. Interestingly, those with an anxious attachment style tend to attract in partners who reflect an avoidant attachment style. The anxious attachment struggles with underlying beliefs around fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, and struggle with setting boundaries. The avoidant individual struggles with fear of depending on others and generally have intimacy blocking beliefs that keep them locked inside of a suit of armor. The two engage in a dance in which the pursuer (anxious) leans in for comfort and reassurance while the withdrawer (avoidant) pulls away. Similar to a tango, these couples engage in negative interaction cycles.
Working with a skilled therapist in individual and also couples therapy can help to uncover, discover, and discard intimacy blocking belief systems. Individual therapy can focus in on specific experiences that have left individuals under compensated in the development of SELF or overcompensated with an inflated sense of SELF. Trauma focused therapy helps to treat the neurobiology of the brain that is prone for survival in these cases. Cognitive and somatic approaches help to adjust the ways in which the nervous system reacts in relationships. These approaches increase ones ability to tolerate distress without resorting to fight, flight, freeze reactions. Instead, individuals learn new ways of RESPONDING through activation of the pre-frontal cortex which is the part of the brain that helps us to remain calm, cool, collected and flexible in our ability to find solutions to conflicts with our partner. Couple therapy focuses on treating the dynamic between the partners by strengthening intimacy resulting in an increased ability for each partner to be more accessible, responsive, and engaged--turning towards each other rather than away!
At Noble Path Counseling our team specializes complex relationships across cultures and spectrums. We are open, affirming, and responsive to the unique styles of relationships that exist. We further specialize in the sexual aspects of romantic relationships to assist with healing from infidelity or establishing ethical non-monogamy or poly-secure relationship agreements.
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